A Eulogy for my Mother, Hazel

https://barryhisblog.blogspot.com/2026/09/a-eulogy-for-my-mother-hazel.html

In the social groups I frequent to promote and defend science against irrationality, I sometimes see religious believers asking what atheists do when there is a birth, a marriage or a death.

I was brought up in a family where the word "atheist" hardly ever came up. In fact, I can't remember any instances. We just thought of ourselves as regular people. We had no serious interest in gods, goblins, pixies and the like. The only times we went to church was when someone in the extended family or circle of friends had a christening, a marriage or a funeral. In the culture of us working class British people, it is just a tradition that has no serious religious meaning.

When my mother died, she left us a surprise. It was a letter in which she stipulated a secular send-off. The surprise was that she had felt it was important enough. We cast about and found a humanist minister who did a wonderful job interviewing mum's family and friends.

She delivered the tribute below, and her three children had a few words to say too. Many people came up to us after the service to say that it had been one of the most beautiful send-offs they had ever attended. That was down to my mother.

Image: Hazel, Penang Malaysia, 1965

A Tribute To Mrs Hazel Jane Grundy 20 June 1923 - 8 September 1999

Today we meet with sadness. This is right and appropriate, for this very remarkable woman is no longer part of your lives. But with that sorrow you may also find that there is joy, as you treasure the fact that you were privileged to have known Hazel, to have been a part of her life, and to some degree are one of the inheritors of her legacy. 

Hazel was one who, in so many ways, contributed to the lives of those around her: by her example as well as by her actions, and we can all be grateful for the memories she has left and from which we can learn. 

She was a person who made the most of life. She relished it, she respected it, valuing her own time which she filled with experience, learning from the new even into old age, cherishing what life had to give her, to show her in all its range and beauty. She took pleasure from the opportunities and skills she had, be they her love of nature, travel, music or sport or her wonderful ability to communicate and make friends. 

Throughout life she enjoyed sport, and she was a demon at table tennis. There is a wonderful story of Reg's, concerning one of her many visits to him in Paris, where in the public parks there are table tennis tables. They had invited two people, strangers, to play a game of doubles with them. It was clear that they were thinking : " an old lady, this will be an easy game" but when she smashed the ball past them for the second time they turned, and looked at each other, their faces expressing their realisation that no quarter would be given and they 

had better play with all their skill if they wanted to win. She was the loveliest, most gentle lady- but put a bat in her hand and the killer instinct would emerge!

Hazel loved the beauties of nature and the countryside, both in Britain and abroad. Landscapes, bluebell woods, the shadows of trees, she could discriminate and appreciate and before her illness struck she would go for a walk each day. She remained a member of the Youth Hostel Association and would take off for trips around this country, sometimes alone, sometimes with others. She was never afraid to be adventurous, so when on a visit to the Malverns with Reg she had the choice of looking for a bed and breakfast or sleeping in the car in some beautiful spot they had found, she had no hesitation in making herself comfortable in the car!

In her years of retirement she travelled extensively abroad. Only a week before her death she was in America with Anne who remembers how whole-heartedly she enjoyed the beauty of the 

sunsets there.

Hazel valued the quiet mind, enjoyed silence, and was able to talk, over the years, about the transience of life, something which helped when her illness struck. She also had a wonderful sense of humour, an ability to relax, to laugh and giggle, to have fun. Nevertheless, she was always the lady. Even at Barry and Silvana's wedding when she dressed as Hell's Granny in black leather- and played the part- she never lost her dignity. 

It might seem strange to those who knew her in her later years, who remember the quality of her friendship, the way that she could make friends wherever she was; to learn that in youth she had been quite shy. It may have taken the many years of travel about the world with her first husband, Reg to bring her out of her shell. But one of Hazel's qualities was her ability to accept what life brought and to make the most of it. She never got stuck in the ex patriot community, but went out and explored, learning about the local culture. She 

retired at sixty in order to make the most of her remaining years and thereafter saw much of the world, everywhere she went absorbing what there was to experience and treasure and drawing people to her. Her open minded nature, her ability to see others as individuals, never judging, nor reacting to age, race or circumstance was valued by others; there is something so welcoming about those who simply accept us, looking for what there is to like and therefore finding it. One of her neighbours said " I just feel incredibly honoured that I was her neighbour". The young loved her and talked to her in a way that they rarely do to the elderly, enabled to see past her many years to the person she was, because she could see beyond their few. Everyone who came into contact with her felt touched in some special way. 

. 

Surely, to live one's life to the full, to appreciate and make the most of what we have, is so important, and Hazel's example shows us how well it can be done. But equally, her contribution to others was a vital part of her life.

As a girl her wish had been to be a nurse, but her family's needs prevented her from training. So she found other ways of exercising the rich ability to give, the immense compassion which she possessed and which meant that she was able to help others in need, family friends and strangers. She worked with the sick in a voluntary capacity, and over time cared for many of those closest to her including her second husband Tom, her brother, brother in law and sister in law in their final illnesses. Genuinely modest, she did not seek recognition, playing down her part rather than leaving anyone feeling indebted, but she was not a martyr. Her giving was part of her, something totally natural and unaffected, part of the value she placed on the happiness and well being of others and her own strong, positive moral sense, that expressed itself in a devotion to and acceptance of others. Although she could feel indignation or anger where 

appropriate, she never harboured bad feelings, and when faced with destructive 

or hurtful behaviour would feel sadness rather than hate. 

Her quality of empathy, her ability to appreciate other's perspectives was valued by everyone, but of course most of all by her own family. Her support for her children was always there, but never intrusive. She was aware of the need to let them learn for themselves, and she respected them always as individuals, not fussing them with unwanted advice or instruction. When asked what they felt was her legacy their reply was swift, and unanimous. They told me it was her values, her respect and compassion for others: the knowledge that she passed on that there are far more important things than money or possessions. She has shown them that it is the quality of relationships in life that are truly important and if these are right you have what matters. And such a legacy is not limited in its scope or application. There is something in it for each of us.